so i thought i would be mad forever but it turns out things can turn around, no matter what.  When people open up and communicate you can have better relationships.  By saying what you actually mean makes life easier because when it comes down to it people cant read each others minds.  Well, i did just that with my Mr. David and i go what i wanted.  I said hey look, i know we are not going to be together anymore but at least we can make each other feel good, right?? oh i feel amazing right now, i think i just had the best sex of my life because i asked for it.  Although i only slept like an hour and a half because of another situation, i still got up for him to come over and just have really really amazing sex.  There is no other way to put it.  Im happy now, that we can be friends and share this moment and hopefully more to come.  I think that maybe we can become better people and find ourselves through this, but be together at the same time.  So im a little confused by what will happen to us, if there will be something or a change will occur, but for the moment i feel like i can smile.  I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and i can enjoy my life in both ways.  I can have the great part of the relationship that we had and i can also be free to find myself.  All i can say for this moment i am so happy and feel great all over.

By the way FWB… friends with benefits

so this blog is going to be a complete rant about how fucking mad i am at the people who i thought were important to me and would always be in my life.  To my ex boyfriend Andres David Freue… fuck you.. that is the only way i could put it.  i send you a fucking email telling that my dad has a fucking aneurysm and could die and who would be there for me and you dont even have the decency to say anything at all back to me.  I have been there for you through thick and thin.  no matter what happened i was always someone you could fucking turn to.  your a fucking little bitch… i went out drinking the other night and was talking to one of my friends about the situation with you and my dad and blah blah blah, and he said how could someone who has been part of my life for so long desert me when i really need you to lean on… so yea if you cant even respond to say im sorry fuck you and i dont want to be with a scum bag like you if thats the way youre going to be.  You know for as much bad as i did to you i did 10 times better and took care of your your lazy fucking ass… NEXT UP… to the people who i thought were my friends… i thought you would be there for me no matter what happened. true colors show when you have to choose between people.  i guess in the end you will be friends with the people you were friends with first right?? yea but you know what i learned is i dont fucking need you bastards in my life any way.. and im sad i wasted my time being your friend and having to deal with you bullshit.. so fuck you too.

I feel like im drowning an I cant find my way to the top for a breath.  I only have a few left.  I don’t understand how life can be so drastically changing in such short amount of time.  I love the person I love the most and know that I could never love like that again.  Then my father has a stroke.  But oh it gets worse, because now not only is he deaf in one ear, he also has an aneurysm.  I was never sure of what the term meant but I do now, a swell of blood formation in your brain.  If it bursts you die.  You have to have brain surgery to try to fix it but, the results of surgery vary.  What the hell am I suppose to do?  I feel like its coming at me from all sides.  So I have come to the conclusion that I must have fucked up in the karma department.  What do I do if something happens to my dad?  How can I go on with my life.  Its my dad, the person who I can turn to for anything.  Anything in the world, if I need it he would find a way to give it me.  Who would walk me down the isle at my wedding if he is gone.  Who is going to take care of me.  I love my dad the most that I could love anyone in the world.  Its like he is a part of me.  He understands the strange things I do and why I am the way I am.  He has never questioned me or told me how to act.  He doesn’t nag me like my mom or try to make me change my ways.  He tells me to be careful and only wants the best for his little girl.  I am his little girl and I don’t know how I could go on without him in my life.  I would be destroyed.  I am crying just thinking about the possibility.  It kills me.  This encircled with loosing the person I thought I was meant to be with and being vitamin d deficient, oh I forgot to add that to the list of fucked up shit that has happened to me.  I don’t know how to survive this.

This will by my last attempt to contact you and try to involve myself in your life.  I guess you no longer want to be a part of mine.  I just thought you should know what has been going on in my life and how much i am starting to see of the kind of person you have been to me and i guess the person you are and will become.  So i told you that my father had a mini stroke.  He is now death in his one ear.  We have also found form testing that he has an aneurysm in his brain.  I struggle everyday wondering if he is going to die.  Who will be there for me.  If it ruptures death is a 99% chance.  It could go away with surgery but they need to do more testing to find out if it is operable.  So this has been my two weeks without you.  I wont bother you any more.  Everything i have, i have offered to you.  I just ask you one thing.  Could you let me know where you are at, meaning is it over for you?  And just to let you know i dont know is a bullshit answer and i will take it as there is no longer anything between us for you.  I hope you find what you need to be the person you want.  I found what my underlying issue was.  I want to live my life at the stage i was in with you.  I wanted to have an apartment with you and be engaged soon and i could never admitt it to myself.  I put such high goals for you and when you didnt come through i got angry and started to resent you.  I hope this feeling will change.  I dont know what else to say to you but i hope everything goes well for you.  You will always be my first love.

To my dearest David,

Hey love!  So im on the plane right now, wish I could be here with you.  It sucks to be awa from you for so long.  It kind if hurts me inside.  Not that you would ever acknowledge that I could feel that way… lol… I do miss you.. I am feeling much better from when I was texting you earlier.. thank god.. I hope you miss me the way I miss you… It feels weird to be in the sky without you sitting next to me L.  And it sucks that I cannot call you whenever I please.  But I think this trip will be interesting either way.  I know you think im going to party my ass off, but in truth I think I would be tooo scared to do that.  Also I did not pick Madrid to come to for partying.  I want to see the palace and the churches are supposed to be amazing.  There are also some really great museums!  For as much as you don’t want to believe that, its what I will really be doing.  Can you believe I am stay like 2 blocks away from the palace! I cant wait to see it.  I cant wait to see the history an beauty of another country.  It intrigues me more than you know.. I guess I am kind of a nerd in that way.  Also thank you so much for seeing me off.  I love you for it… And I am very sorry I wasted my time at chilis.  It was my fault to go so far! I didn’t realize it at the time.  You should have told me to leave the second you were able to see me and I would have left, even if it was in the middle of eating… I would not have cared. You are much more important than food.. or anything for that matter..  And you should believe it more that you do… Thank you for letting me take this trip.  I really appreciate your strength in letting me go.  It shows that you are a brave man.  Well love, im going to wrap this up.  My first email to you from my trip on the plane … If you get this it means I have landed and I am alive and safe for the moment.  I love you with all my heart soul and all my everything.  Just remember that you are the love of my life and nothing will ever change that.  I will call you every chance I get!

I don’t know how else to make you understand how sorry I am for hurting you.  I don’t know what else to tell you other than that I love you more than I will ever know how in my life.  I am very sorry for pushing you away and destroying what we had.  I understand that you do not want to forgive and may have moved on, but I just needed you to know that I will always love you.  I just can’t keep stringing my heart along like this.  Its like everyday we are apart I die a little more.  This seems not to matter to you.  Everyone keeps telling me to give you time to cool down but how much time is allowed before I go crazy.  Everyone says that time will heel the heartache I feel, but for me it is just opposite.  Everyday it gets harder, it is worse than the day before.  I don’t know how else to stress to you that I need you in my life.  I guess I have no other choice but to live with this.  I don’t know how to move on and form a new life.  I don’t think I will ever be able to.  Maybe you already have.  I just wish you could tell me what you are thinking and what has been going on. I hope you see this. I hope you contact me because i have no other way.

In the beginning of life, when we are born, everyone cries for us, whether it is of joy or unexplainable emotions, it is for the newest life that has been added to their family. We evolve and grow. We become members of society. We become pivotal roles in other peoples lives. Sometimes we create new lives and continue the cycle. But at the end of the cycle, what do we have to look back on? We will never know what happens in the end. We can only hope what will be out there when we experience it, what we will remember of the life we once had. Most people wonder if everything they have done was worth it. What was the point of their life? Did it have meaning?
One thing I can say, I know that the life of my grandfather had meaning, for me, for my mother and father, for my brother and sister, and everyone else who had the chance to be involved in his life. I have been foolish and selfish, I can admit. I have waste opportunities in which I could have experienced the wisdom of my grandfather. I have missed so many chances. I have regret. There are so many things I would have loved to know more about. I would have loved to know about his time serving this wonderful country that we are in right know. I would have thanked him for doing it. For fighting in the Philippines. For saving us from what could have happened. For stopping the spread of communism. For being a brave soldier, risking his life so I could be in this place today. I am so very grateful. I wish I would have said it.
I wish I could have asked how he was so smart. He was unbelievably intelligent, no one can deny. He knew about everything and could speak about it in a manor that comes natural. He held a wisdom that most people never achieve. I only hope one day I can be like this, like him. I hope I can have half the wisdom he had.
I wish I would have asked him how to make meatballs the way he did. They were the best I have ever had and though I have not had them in about ten years, I can still remember the way they tasted. I remember being at his house when I was younger and making them with him from scratch. I wish I could remember the recipe. I will never be to eat them again but I will never forget. I appreciate the memory, all of the memories, like going out on his boat on the lake and fishing.
I remember always being obsessed with the fish he had caught that were hanging in his back room. I remember going food shopping with him and buying birdseed to put in the bird feeder on the front lawn. I remember making the sugar water for the humming birds to hang in front of the house. I can still see them as clear as day. The humming bird is so beautiful and I saw that up close because of him.
I never had the chance to say good-bye. I was never able to thank him for being a part of my life. So this is my good bye, my farewell, my thank you for everything that you have inspired in me, my passion for history, the appreciation for nature, learning how to be a good person. I know that you are in a better place with all the people who mattered to you. I know you are watching over us now and we will always be thinking of you.

Well, to be completely fucking honest, i wish you were here.

Every time I answer the phone, this thought rings in my head.  It screams out at me loudly.  Say it say it.  But all that comes out is hurt, he thinks it is because of the passing of my grandfather, part is, but the main part is that he is not here with me.  I am alone.  I have no one to comfort me.  All I got was a quick 20 minutes while I was crying and a phone call for me to my boss.  The next words were telling me to stop crying because my neighbors will be calling the cops thinking I am dying.  Wow, what comfort!  Yea, that would come from my boyfriend’s mouth, from his mind.  It has been a rough few days for me, very awkward.  Death always is, along with other emotions.  I wish he was here to rub my shoulders, to pull me close and say everything will be alright.  I know it will be but it is nice to have someone to turn to when you feel like your world has stopped spinning.  I cannot say that he is all bad.  He is doing me the huge favor of taking care of my responsibilities while I am home mourning with my family, but would I not do the same for him?  He did do the laundry this week but, I do the laundry by myself every week.  What bothers me the most is that he could have been here.  I know it would have been a struggle, but is that not what you do for the people you love when you need them?  I need him so much right now and he has no idea.  All I want to do is cry my eyes out in his arms, but he is being himself, doing what he wants, like always.

Today, April 26, 2009, my grandfather died.  It was such heartbreaking news for me, although, to my regret, i have not seen him in months.  I feel rather undeserving.  I recieved the call early this morning and broke into tears, sobs.  It is amazing how many emotions can the human mind can process in only a few seconds… grief. anger. worry. relief. hurt. damager. useless. regret. unworthy.  This list could go on.  As the sound of my mother’s voice broke through the phone, I knew it was coming.  It was a matter of time.  “I have some bad news.”  Yea, bad would not be the correct word to use.  It was crushing.  Regret filled my mind.  I should have took off from work the day before.  I should not have went out and only slept three freaking hours.  I should have had everything prepared, like i wanted.  Work the day before was a waste, i could have said goodbye.  I could have felt much better today.  I could have had closure.  I never will now.  It is ironic how i spoke about closure yesterday, with such importance.  I needed to thank him for all that he had provided me with, for everything i had learned from him over the years, to say i was sorry for being a terrible granddaughter, undeserving of a man who gave so much to his family and to his country.  I could not give one day of my life to him in the past four months to make things ok.  I am selfish.  I was the last grandchild of his to have a birthday.  I never even thanked him for the card.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I could not call my own grandfather to say a simple thanks.  I did not even think twice that he did not come to my birthday dinner.  I did not think twice that i did not spend Easter with my family.  I have never really been family oriented, but i regret that now.  Hind sight is 20 20.  But what hurts more is all the chances i gave away that i could have been here.  All the knowledge i will never have form him.  He was such an intelligent person.  He could converse with anyone about anything.  It was so simple for him, something that flows in me.  I have that same eloquence with speech.  I have the same learning talent he did.  I am lucky.  I just pick up on everything.  I never have to study hard to really involve myself in work to do a great job.  It just comes natural.  I have always attributed that to my grandfather.  His knowledge was like a fountain of youth, flowing effortlessly for everyone to use, but not many saw, hidden from the world.  It hurts that it is gone and i never reached in, so old i will grow without that useful information. 

When i came home i was expecting much worse.  My father told me to be calm and collective on my two hour journey from my home to where i used to live.  I am thankful  for the beautiful day.  I drove, to fast, jus to get the wind to blow through my hair.  To have my brown hair whip around my face, violently, to erase the emotions that were screaming from my body.  The crisp fresh air cleared my mind.  I could breathe.  I filled my lungs to capacity with each breath, finally appreciating my life.  How much of an ungrateful person i am?  I take and take but what to do i give?  I have to change, to be a better person, give back.

The worst came for me when i was sitting alone with my mother for the first time since i had arrived.  “Don’t tell the others,”  she told me.  “When we were going through his wallet he only had three pictures in there, only three.  One was of him and his best friend from his military days.  The other two were pictures of just you.  One from when you were little and one from a few years ago.”  I felt like i could not contain myself any more.  My pulse quickened and my breathing stopped.  I have never done anything for him for that.  I never tried to earn his love or trust.  I simply went about my life, being geocentric.  I was the center of the universe.  My other relative did so much for him.  My little cousins cleaned his house and took care of him.  My sister and brother did what they did best, love and care.  I was the odd one out, yet there i was, two, in his wallet, while no one else was.  Why?  Could it simply be coincidence?  My heart is torn, my head is spinning, my breath is faint.  Life is so complicated.  Life hurts.  Everyone at one point ponders the meaning in life.  People spend life times trying to figure out what life is and why we are here.  Why waste the time.  Just enjoy what you have and make the best of the worst. Dont worry about so much.  Just have fun.. While my grandfather passed sometime during the night that is exactly what i was doing.. enjoying life.  Now i mourn, but soon it will pass.  He will always be remembered, valued, in my life at least.

well its been a while since i have used this.  but i feel like i really need some place to express myself lately.  i think i have the school time blues.  I had such a wonderful summer this year. i went to california with my boyfriend and his family. it was amazing.  then i went to rome for a few day, which was the best expderience i have ever had in my life.  And i went to florida for a couple of days.  I also worked my ass off.  Some people dont understand it.  with the exception of those days i worked more than 40 hours a week.  i feel like im starting to drown.  I have started school again.  im in my second year at st johns. i take 15 credits in two days. seems a lot, right, thats how im starting to feel.  i am starting to feel very overwhelmed.  i also work five days a week, 40 hours or more.  i dont know.  I also have a wonderful boyfriend.  i love him so much.  he practically lives with me.  oh by the way i live by myself.  i have a small studio apartment.  now i seem to complain about the bf alot but i dont mean to. he is a really great person and helps me out so much, he is my life, and so important to me.  I just wish he would help me out more often.  he never does anything to help me around the house or fix things that need to be fixed.  he doesnt help me pay rent or bills, not that i ask for it, but some times i think it would be nice.  i go food shopping i do laundry i cook i clean and i get no help, i hate asking for help also.  i feel that if you are here and see everything that i do you should have some incentive to give your help.  and i dont ask for money so you help me twice what you would.

so back to the school thing.  my teachers this semester seem to be crazy.  i have so much reading to do i dont think i have time for it.  in one week my his prof wants us to read 100 pages.  then my othe his teach wants us to read 50 and take notes and submit them to her.  then i have eco which isnt as bad, but he never tells us what to read.  so i scared.  i love to keep my grades up.  i have a 3.91 gpa and it is so important to me that it does not slip.  i feel consumed by school.

im drowning and have noone to help me.  i sinking further and further down, struggling to brezak the surface.  and i just cant.