Well, to be completely fucking honest, i wish you were here.

Every time I answer the phone, this thought rings in my head.  It screams out at me loudly.  Say it say it.  But all that comes out is hurt, he thinks it is because of the passing of my grandfather, part is, but the main part is that he is not here with me.  I am alone.  I have no one to comfort me.  All I got was a quick 20 minutes while I was crying and a phone call for me to my boss.  The next words were telling me to stop crying because my neighbors will be calling the cops thinking I am dying.  Wow, what comfort!  Yea, that would come from my boyfriend’s mouth, from his mind.  It has been a rough few days for me, very awkward.  Death always is, along with other emotions.  I wish he was here to rub my shoulders, to pull me close and say everything will be alright.  I know it will be but it is nice to have someone to turn to when you feel like your world has stopped spinning.  I cannot say that he is all bad.  He is doing me the huge favor of taking care of my responsibilities while I am home mourning with my family, but would I not do the same for him?  He did do the laundry this week but, I do the laundry by myself every week.  What bothers me the most is that he could have been here.  I know it would have been a struggle, but is that not what you do for the people you love when you need them?  I need him so much right now and he has no idea.  All I want to do is cry my eyes out in his arms, but he is being himself, doing what he wants, like always.

Today, April 26, 2009, my grandfather died.  It was such heartbreaking news for me, although, to my regret, i have not seen him in months.  I feel rather undeserving.  I recieved the call early this morning and broke into tears, sobs.  It is amazing how many emotions can the human mind can process in only a few seconds… grief. anger. worry. relief. hurt. damager. useless. regret. unworthy.  This list could go on.  As the sound of my mother’s voice broke through the phone, I knew it was coming.  It was a matter of time.  “I have some bad news.”  Yea, bad would not be the correct word to use.  It was crushing.  Regret filled my mind.  I should have took off from work the day before.  I should not have went out and only slept three freaking hours.  I should have had everything prepared, like i wanted.  Work the day before was a waste, i could have said goodbye.  I could have felt much better today.  I could have had closure.  I never will now.  It is ironic how i spoke about closure yesterday, with such importance.  I needed to thank him for all that he had provided me with, for everything i had learned from him over the years, to say i was sorry for being a terrible granddaughter, undeserving of a man who gave so much to his family and to his country.  I could not give one day of my life to him in the past four months to make things ok.  I am selfish.  I was the last grandchild of his to have a birthday.  I never even thanked him for the card.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I could not call my own grandfather to say a simple thanks.  I did not even think twice that he did not come to my birthday dinner.  I did not think twice that i did not spend Easter with my family.  I have never really been family oriented, but i regret that now.  Hind sight is 20 20.  But what hurts more is all the chances i gave away that i could have been here.  All the knowledge i will never have form him.  He was such an intelligent person.  He could converse with anyone about anything.  It was so simple for him, something that flows in me.  I have that same eloquence with speech.  I have the same learning talent he did.  I am lucky.  I just pick up on everything.  I never have to study hard to really involve myself in work to do a great job.  It just comes natural.  I have always attributed that to my grandfather.  His knowledge was like a fountain of youth, flowing effortlessly for everyone to use, but not many saw, hidden from the world.  It hurts that it is gone and i never reached in, so old i will grow without that useful information. 

When i came home i was expecting much worse.  My father told me to be calm and collective on my two hour journey from my home to where i used to live.  I am thankful  for the beautiful day.  I drove, to fast, jus to get the wind to blow through my hair.  To have my brown hair whip around my face, violently, to erase the emotions that were screaming from my body.  The crisp fresh air cleared my mind.  I could breathe.  I filled my lungs to capacity with each breath, finally appreciating my life.  How much of an ungrateful person i am?  I take and take but what to do i give?  I have to change, to be a better person, give back.

The worst came for me when i was sitting alone with my mother for the first time since i had arrived.  “Don’t tell the others,”  she told me.  “When we were going through his wallet he only had three pictures in there, only three.  One was of him and his best friend from his military days.  The other two were pictures of just you.  One from when you were little and one from a few years ago.”  I felt like i could not contain myself any more.  My pulse quickened and my breathing stopped.  I have never done anything for him for that.  I never tried to earn his love or trust.  I simply went about my life, being geocentric.  I was the center of the universe.  My other relative did so much for him.  My little cousins cleaned his house and took care of him.  My sister and brother did what they did best, love and care.  I was the odd one out, yet there i was, two, in his wallet, while no one else was.  Why?  Could it simply be coincidence?  My heart is torn, my head is spinning, my breath is faint.  Life is so complicated.  Life hurts.  Everyone at one point ponders the meaning in life.  People spend life times trying to figure out what life is and why we are here.  Why waste the time.  Just enjoy what you have and make the best of the worst. Dont worry about so much.  Just have fun.. While my grandfather passed sometime during the night that is exactly what i was doing.. enjoying life.  Now i mourn, but soon it will pass.  He will always be remembered, valued, in my life at least.