i feel like a weight has been lifted from my body. I feel light and free and amazing.  I feel like i could laugh and cry at the same time.  I am amazed and dazzled.  I am elated.  I can finally breathe.  I feel like a whole person again.  I think there might be a point for things that happen in life.  I think my heart might swell out of my chest.  I feel like i have been pieced back together an i am better than i was before.  I think i can be a better person.  I have let the resentment wash away through the tears i have shed and am a different person.  I am someone i lost a long time ago in a better light.  Wow, there are not enough adjectives to explain everything that is going on inside my mind at the moment.  This has been such a perfect day, one of the best in a long time.  I can finally be happy.  I am thankful for it.

I don’t think David wants me anymore.  I think he’s moved on.  There is no effort on his behalf.  My favorite part is that he thinks he is trying but it is a joke.  I kind of want to throw myself out.  I think I want to call it quits because I’m sick of not being taken care of.  I want someone to wrap their arms around my.  I want to be pulled close and kissed passionately.  I want to be the center of someone’s world.  I want to be the most important thing to another person and I want them to be the most important thing in my life.  I need to know that I’m loved and care for.  I want to be brought flowers just because and I want to do special things together.  I would love to be able to just be with someone and loose the outside world.  The world could be burning around us but it wouldn’t matter because we were together.  Everything in life could disappear but that person and life would still be all right.  I want to feel like I’m flying all the time because I’m so deeply in love.  I’m not sure if this could happen between David and me any more.  I think that he has drifted to far off the path that was set for us.  I don’t believe that he wants to come back to that path.  I have lost faith in what could have been for us.  The hard part is quitting the addiction he is to me.  I simply do not know how too.  I never thought I would be able to relate to a drug addict because that was never my thing, but I sure can now.  It’s like no matter what I do to try to distract myself I get sucked in to thinking about him and wanting to text him or see him. I cant help myself.  I don’t know how to stop but I need to find a way soon before I go mad.

Is it so wrong to want someone so bad you go out of your mind just thinking about them?  I should be one to talk right.  I don’t know the direction in which my life is going.  I do not feel inspired to do much lately.  I push through.  I do the minimum that is required and that is all I can do.  I don’t know what life is supposed to hold.  What is the point of going through life alone?  People always say that it is great to be single and find yourself, but the truth that I have found is that no one wants to be alone.  No one wants to be single.  The point of life is to find the other half of you, the person who brings out the best you have to offer to the world, the person who makes you a better person with just their presence.  People fall in and out of love so many times in life, how do you know when the right person comes along for you?  How can you know if that person makes you the best you can be?  If they make you feel a certain way, if just being there puts a smile on your face, does that mean that that is the person you are meant to spend eternity with or are we truly meant to wonder the planet lonesome till we perish?

Life has a funny way of waving a path.  Sometimes it gives you the greatest high you could ever imagine.  It makes you feel as if there could never be a better moment, that the time you are living in makes the world stop.  God has made that moment for you and why would it ever change.  Then there are times when life rips the rug out from under you and you fall short.  These are the times when you cant breathe, cant sleep, cant eat, you just cant move forward.  What is the point if you can’t have what you want?  Is life still worth living, not in the sense of not being here anymore but in the sense of moving forward and trying to become something?  When everything you have ever wanted vanishes what is the point of trying to succeed?

I can’t find myself.  I have lost my way.  I fell off the path I was making for myself.  I ruined everything I ever wanted.  I feel betrayed by myself for allowing what happened.  I don’t know if there is anything I can believe in anymore.  I have always wanted so much for myself.  I thought I could conquer the world all on my own.  I never realized that there is no point to a life without someone to love.  When you have no one to share all of your accomplishments with, life isn’t worth anything.  I’m not sure what I am supposed to do anymore.  Things used to be so cut and dry.  There was the notion of right and wrong, but now there are many patches of grey.  I feel like my life is covered in grey, like ink bleeding from a pen.

When I think of the goals I had made for myself I guess I was set up for failure.  I wanted everything and I set the bar very high.  I can look back and see the mistakes I made and the problems I caused.  I know where I went wrong and how I could have fixed it, but you can’t go back into the past.  People are not capable of changing what once was.  We are not infallible.  We are not as the gods in the sky.  We are not like the serpents in hell.  We are all unique individuals who make different paths and different choices that take us to where we will be.  I wanted to have hope and believe that life is an amazing place that dreams can come true.  But reality sets a different tone.  Life is a bleak disaster.  Life is a place where hope is destroyed and people fail.

This is the outlook I have now.  When all your hopes and dreams are destroyed there is no point in going any further.  We might as well just give up now and take it for what it is.  I don’t know any other option.  People will do what they want and be who they want to be.  You can either love them like they are and accept them or look for something else.

so i thought i would be mad forever but it turns out things can turn around, no matter what.  When people open up and communicate you can have better relationships.  By saying what you actually mean makes life easier because when it comes down to it people cant read each others minds.  Well, i did just that with my Mr. David and i go what i wanted.  I said hey look, i know we are not going to be together anymore but at least we can make each other feel good, right?? oh i feel amazing right now, i think i just had the best sex of my life because i asked for it.  Although i only slept like an hour and a half because of another situation, i still got up for him to come over and just have really really amazing sex.  There is no other way to put it.  Im happy now, that we can be friends and share this moment and hopefully more to come.  I think that maybe we can become better people and find ourselves through this, but be together at the same time.  So im a little confused by what will happen to us, if there will be something or a change will occur, but for the moment i feel like i can smile.  I feel like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders and i can enjoy my life in both ways.  I can have the great part of the relationship that we had and i can also be free to find myself.  All i can say for this moment i am so happy and feel great all over.

By the way FWB… friends with benefits

so this blog is going to be a complete rant about how fucking mad i am at the people who i thought were important to me and would always be in my life.  To my ex boyfriend Andres David Freue… fuck you.. that is the only way i could put it.  i send you a fucking email telling that my dad has a fucking aneurysm and could die and who would be there for me and you dont even have the decency to say anything at all back to me.  I have been there for you through thick and thin.  no matter what happened i was always someone you could fucking turn to.  your a fucking little bitch… i went out drinking the other night and was talking to one of my friends about the situation with you and my dad and blah blah blah, and he said how could someone who has been part of my life for so long desert me when i really need you to lean on… so yea if you cant even respond to say im sorry fuck you and i dont want to be with a scum bag like you if thats the way youre going to be.  You know for as much bad as i did to you i did 10 times better and took care of your your lazy fucking ass… NEXT UP… to the people who i thought were my friends… i thought you would be there for me no matter what happened. true colors show when you have to choose between people.  i guess in the end you will be friends with the people you were friends with first right?? yea but you know what i learned is i dont fucking need you bastards in my life any way.. and im sad i wasted my time being your friend and having to deal with you bullshit.. so fuck you too.

I feel like im drowning an I cant find my way to the top for a breath.  I only have a few left.  I don’t understand how life can be so drastically changing in such short amount of time.  I love the person I love the most and know that I could never love like that again.  Then my father has a stroke.  But oh it gets worse, because now not only is he deaf in one ear, he also has an aneurysm.  I was never sure of what the term meant but I do now, a swell of blood formation in your brain.  If it bursts you die.  You have to have brain surgery to try to fix it but, the results of surgery vary.  What the hell am I suppose to do?  I feel like its coming at me from all sides.  So I have come to the conclusion that I must have fucked up in the karma department.  What do I do if something happens to my dad?  How can I go on with my life.  Its my dad, the person who I can turn to for anything.  Anything in the world, if I need it he would find a way to give it me.  Who would walk me down the isle at my wedding if he is gone.  Who is going to take care of me.  I love my dad the most that I could love anyone in the world.  Its like he is a part of me.  He understands the strange things I do and why I am the way I am.  He has never questioned me or told me how to act.  He doesn’t nag me like my mom or try to make me change my ways.  He tells me to be careful and only wants the best for his little girl.  I am his little girl and I don’t know how I could go on without him in my life.  I would be destroyed.  I am crying just thinking about the possibility.  It kills me.  This encircled with loosing the person I thought I was meant to be with and being vitamin d deficient, oh I forgot to add that to the list of fucked up shit that has happened to me.  I don’t know how to survive this.

This will by my last attempt to contact you and try to involve myself in your life.  I guess you no longer want to be a part of mine.  I just thought you should know what has been going on in my life and how much i am starting to see of the kind of person you have been to me and i guess the person you are and will become.  So i told you that my father had a mini stroke.  He is now death in his one ear.  We have also found form testing that he has an aneurysm in his brain.  I struggle everyday wondering if he is going to die.  Who will be there for me.  If it ruptures death is a 99% chance.  It could go away with surgery but they need to do more testing to find out if it is operable.  So this has been my two weeks without you.  I wont bother you any more.  Everything i have, i have offered to you.  I just ask you one thing.  Could you let me know where you are at, meaning is it over for you?  And just to let you know i dont know is a bullshit answer and i will take it as there is no longer anything between us for you.  I hope you find what you need to be the person you want.  I found what my underlying issue was.  I want to live my life at the stage i was in with you.  I wanted to have an apartment with you and be engaged soon and i could never admitt it to myself.  I put such high goals for you and when you didnt come through i got angry and started to resent you.  I hope this feeling will change.  I dont know what else to say to you but i hope everything goes well for you.  You will always be my first love.

To my dearest David,

Hey love!  So im on the plane right now, wish I could be here with you.  It sucks to be awa from you for so long.  It kind if hurts me inside.  Not that you would ever acknowledge that I could feel that way… lol… I do miss you.. I am feeling much better from when I was texting you earlier.. thank god.. I hope you miss me the way I miss you… It feels weird to be in the sky without you sitting next to me L.  And it sucks that I cannot call you whenever I please.  But I think this trip will be interesting either way.  I know you think im going to party my ass off, but in truth I think I would be tooo scared to do that.  Also I did not pick Madrid to come to for partying.  I want to see the palace and the churches are supposed to be amazing.  There are also some really great museums!  For as much as you don’t want to believe that, its what I will really be doing.  Can you believe I am stay like 2 blocks away from the palace! I cant wait to see it.  I cant wait to see the history an beauty of another country.  It intrigues me more than you know.. I guess I am kind of a nerd in that way.  Also thank you so much for seeing me off.  I love you for it… And I am very sorry I wasted my time at chilis.  It was my fault to go so far! I didn’t realize it at the time.  You should have told me to leave the second you were able to see me and I would have left, even if it was in the middle of eating… I would not have cared. You are much more important than food.. or anything for that matter..  And you should believe it more that you do… Thank you for letting me take this trip.  I really appreciate your strength in letting me go.  It shows that you are a brave man.  Well love, im going to wrap this up.  My first email to you from my trip on the plane … If you get this it means I have landed and I am alive and safe for the moment.  I love you with all my heart soul and all my everything.  Just remember that you are the love of my life and nothing will ever change that.  I will call you every chance I get!

I don’t know how else to make you understand how sorry I am for hurting you.  I don’t know what else to tell you other than that I love you more than I will ever know how in my life.  I am very sorry for pushing you away and destroying what we had.  I understand that you do not want to forgive and may have moved on, but I just needed you to know that I will always love you.  I just can’t keep stringing my heart along like this.  Its like everyday we are apart I die a little more.  This seems not to matter to you.  Everyone keeps telling me to give you time to cool down but how much time is allowed before I go crazy.  Everyone says that time will heel the heartache I feel, but for me it is just opposite.  Everyday it gets harder, it is worse than the day before.  I don’t know how else to stress to you that I need you in my life.  I guess I have no other choice but to live with this.  I don’t know how to move on and form a new life.  I don’t think I will ever be able to.  Maybe you already have.  I just wish you could tell me what you are thinking and what has been going on. I hope you see this. I hope you contact me because i have no other way.